If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
