i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
