Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
