Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
