My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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