I bet he comes in French.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
