I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
