I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
