How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
