Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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