It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
