the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize