We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He felt like a one man threesome
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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