I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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