You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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