I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
