I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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