I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
May the power of my ass compel you!!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
