My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
