Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
