Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i think my cat just said my name.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize