I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
