Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
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