it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
