My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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