I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You're like the curious george of whores
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
