Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
