I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
smell my finger.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We left the knife in your bed.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
