i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
