I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
