Just took my morning after pill in the library
Life is so much better after having sex.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
