So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
