My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize