Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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