I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
