sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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