I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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