someone get that fucking seahorse.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
