This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
