Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
