I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
