Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
