So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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