Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize