saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
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