He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
