and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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