When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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