Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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