at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
