have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
