Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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