I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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