I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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