phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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