I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize