If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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